Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
