she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
the liver wants what the liver wants
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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