She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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