I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
