Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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