You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
