I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha