My Higher Power is John Stamos
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
