oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
