you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
