That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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