Umm I'm too high to move.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
