I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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