Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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