He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
