Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
