69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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