Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
