How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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