you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i drank out of a bidet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
