Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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