hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
