Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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