Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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