cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
