Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
