I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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