don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
