Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
