So drunk its hurt
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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