Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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