So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
