hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
