Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
