Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
