where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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