don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
