Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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