I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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