"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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