On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
