I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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