The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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