I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
