I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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