I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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