god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
