its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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