rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
