I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
