My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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