I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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