so I'm never txting u again after today...
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing