I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
