I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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