awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
