sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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