Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
