Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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