as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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